Medication

I don't really know what to say today, but I felt that, given the events of the past week or two, I really should.

Three weeks ago, still not feeling better, I realized that something had to change, and that I couldn't continue as I was without help. This was followed up soon after by my therapist saying that I had crossed a line and really should be on meds. I was really busy earlier in May, but I finally got around to making the appointment two weeks ago, and last Monday I went to a shrink. I've never been to a psychiatrist before, but it was an interesting experience - noticeably different than going to a psychologist. It was much more like an interview with a doctor - she asked a lot of questions about my past psychological issues, such as whether or not I'd ever had an eating disorder, what was my family history of psych stuff. She also pretty much only listened, whereas my therapist and I have more like a conversation (some of this is different approaches, though). Anyway, when all was said and done, she felt I was a good candidate for medication, and prescribed me Wellbutrin (well, the generic). She also mentioned that it can make people feel "jittery" and so she also prescribed me some Lorazepam, which is an anti-anxiety medication.

I read about both on wikipedia and ended up feeling pretty comfortable. This was really, really hard for me over all - I would never have decided to go the medication route if I hadn't reached the point that I simply felt I couldn't manage any more without help. And I think that's what made this most recent week so hard. I really needed something to make a noticeable difference immediately. This hasn't happened AT ALL. In fact, this week has been one of the worst I've had since the depression really kicked in last January. I've spent a lot of time thinking about EVERYTHING, and I managed to channel some of that time in to thinking about WHY this week has sucked, and I think it's because, first, I'd really gotten my hopes up that the meds would help; and second, the tendency of the wellbutrin to enhance "jitters" and anxiety has made me feel worse - ie, that I haven't actually felt more DEPRESSED this week, but rather I've felt much more ANXIOUS, and since my anxiety tends to express itself in my brain simply not shutting off, and my going round and round and round about issues, I've just done that even worse than normal - and since the things I currently go around and around about are things that upset me a lot, I've felt more depressed.

Vicious cycle.

The week stunk on ice. Last night, I finally decided to try the lorazepam, because I couldn't face another night of crying myself to sleep. It didn't seem to do anything at all, either.

So all in all, my early exposure to medicines is leaving me feeling really defeated. The wellbutrin has done virtually nothing that I can tell, except given me headaches and sporadic dizziness. The lorazepam seems to have done even less than that.

Yet, in a strange way, since Saturday, it's had a funny different effect too. It's like it's finally, finally dawning on me fully that there is no help coming. No one is going to rescue me, nothing is going to change unless I change it. This feels awful - if I felt like I could do this alone, I wouldn't have been depressed in the first place. Yet, clearly, that has to change, and on Saturday, and again this afternoon (but not yesterday, and not this morning, and not any other day in recent memory...) and I'm actually starting to finally have moments where I feel like I can overcome this crap.

Maybe that's the wellbutrin. Maybe it's not. I guess I'll just have to see over time.