I've been thinking a lot the last few weeks. As so often happens when I start to figure things out for myself, I've reached the point where I'd like to try to share what I've learned with others.
This is blog about rising from the ashes. This is a blog about finding my inner strength, and overcoming the difficult things that have come my way. This is a blog about gathering my thoughts, and putting things in order, and discussing what has worked and what hasn't. This is a blog about trying to show others some strategies they can try, if they find themselves where I've found myself.
My Story
I woke up on January 1st feeling like life was finally falling in to place, convinced that 2012 was going to be the best year yet. I had a job that I was good at, where I made nearly a hundred thousand dollars in 2011. I was self-employed, which gave me some freedom and some options. I had a timeline all prepared - the knowledge that this job was going to end in a few years, and that once it was passed, I'd have a world of options in front of me. I owned my own apartment, was supporting myself, was doing a whole wide range of things which brought me pleasure. Best of all - I had finally met someone. We'd only been going out for about three months, but things were going great, and I was really starting to think he was the one. I'd joked to my mother that if he didn't ask me to marry him by our one year anniversary, I would take things in to my own hands.
By the end of the day, it was all falling apart, and less than two days later, I was single and as depressed as I'd ever been. It wasn't just a newly shattered heart that did it, though. It was the realization that, no matter how I THOUGHT I'd felt for the past few months, the only thing that had actually been keeping me afloat was how happy the relationship made me feel, and that when it went away, I was left feeling completely empty. I had a job that everyone thought I was lucky to had, and sure, it was lucrative, but that I hated doing and dreaded every single day. I had a lot of hobbies, but a relentless personal drive and a plunge over the past year into pure workaholism had left me burnt out on every one of them. I faced those first few days alone in my apartment with the greatest of dread, because it wasn't just that I was depressed, and it wasn't just that I was lonely, it was that every single thing I USED to do to cheer myself up no longer brought me any pleasure at all. It all felt like work. It all felt like things I was supposed to do. If that wasn't enough, I was also left questioning everything. I'd been empty and depressed for a long time before the relationship, I realized, and that made me suspect every thing I thought I'd wanted in that time. I'd wanted a boyfriend so I'd feel less empty inside (it hadn't worked, of course). How about the other things I'd wanted? I'd wanted a family. Did I think I could fill the emptiness with a child? I wanted to go back to school. Did I think reliving the "glory days" of college would fill the emptiness? It seemed like every choice, every desire, was suspect. As I looked back over past decisions, I even realized it had been a trend. Almost six years previously, I'd gotten a dog, and I saw now that it was the same theory - fill the emptiness, fill the loneliness - and that had resulted in many unhappy years for me and for the dog, before I finally figured out how to make it work and how to care about her unselfishly.
The first two weeks were some of the hardest of my life.
I was determined, though. I finally had a chance to see clearly. I started keeping a journal. On the third day, I wrote, "The walls are down. Time to storm the castle." With all the bull washed away, I had an opportunity that only comes rarely in life, a chance to try to rebuild myself in to someone stronger, better, and happier. I had a chance to re-examine every cherished belief, every nuance of thought, every thing I clung to, and start to think...which of these has been helping me? Which of these has been dragging me down? Which of these reflects out-dated needs and fears? Which of these deserves to be nurtured?
I realized something scary very quickly. One night, I remembered to pull a loaf of bread out of the freezer, and transferred it to the fridge. The next morning, I meant to let it finish defrosting on the counter. However, I forgot before I went to the gym. When I realized I'd neglected to do this inconsequential chore, I thought, "you idiot, you forgot to take the bread out of the fridge!" Woah, hold up. How did that make me an idiot? Over the next couple of days, I tuned in to my inner monologue, and discovered to my horror that far from this being unusual, it was routine. My inner monologue had, at some point, become a constant stream of "you're an idiot," "you're a failure," "why aren't you doing more?", "what's wrong with you?", "you ruin everything!" and "can't you do anything right?" No wonder I felt like crap all the time. No matter how much I accomplished, no matter how much I did, I put myself down constantly, routinely, as a matter of course, and I'd never thought twice about it before.
Clearly, I had a lot of work to do. So I set to it with a vengeance. I did a lot of thinking, and I did a lot of journal writing, I did a lot of reading, and I got a lot of help.
It's been six weeks. And it's definitely a work in progress. This is my Phoenix Project, this is about how I'm rising from the ashes, recovering from that moment where everything I thought I knew burned away and I felt like I was left with nothing. I know that, objectively speaking, what I've gone through? Really not all that bad. Obviously, there's more to my life than just this recap, and I'll use my own past liberally as I keep this blog.
The goal?
Once a week, I'll take some piece of what I've been working on, what seems to have helped, what doesn't seem to have helped, and I'll write a post.
Will it attract much readership?
I don't really know, and I don't really care. But organizing my thoughts will help me, and I bet, with time, I can help others too. All we can do is keep trying. All we can do is pick up the pieces, grasp on to whatever is left, and start over, however many times we need to.
Getting Started
In those earliest, bleakest few days, when I felt like every task was insurmountable, I found three things that helped most. If you're coming here, and you're starting at the beginning, in that most black of places? This is what I'd suggest.
1. Take one task at time. It can be anything. In my case, it was walking the dog. It absolutely had to happen, but even getting her outside the building seemed like more than I could face. But I just did it one step at a time. If I can get my shoes on, if I can get the door open, I can get downstairs. I can let her do her business. And then I can come home, and wallow some more. Everyone has things in their life that, really, need to be done every day. Don't short-change yourself or deny yourself credit for even the simplest ones. When in the grip of really crushing depression, every single exertion is hard. You deserve a pat on the back for brushing your teeth. You deserve a pat on the back for showering, or getting dressed, or buying the groceries. Remember, no matter how mundane it seems, there is a simple truth in life: Whatever is difficult for you, is difficult for you. It doesn't matter one bit how easy it might be for someone else. Stephen Hawking thinks advanced theoretically physics is easy - that doesn't mean that it is. And a non-depressed person thinks taking a shower is easy, but it doesn't mean it is. Take one task at a time, and give yourself all the credit you deserve for having accomplished it, and don't worry about what comes next until you have to.
2. Keep a journal. As soon as I got home that first night, I poured everything in my head out on to a sheet of (virtual) paper. I couldn't keep it in my head any longer, it was driving me crazy, just going around and around and around. I've never been a regular journal-keeper before. Instead, journals were always something I'd kept sporadically, when the need had arisen. During the start of my first relationship - and during the end of it, five years later; in graduate school, when I'd faced years of unrequited love; last fall, when my last grand parent died; these were times when I'd turned to a computer file or sheet of paper to pour my heart out on to, usually once or twice and then done til the next time, years later, when I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Well, this was different. This was looking at my whole life, and now I've written in my journal (and I've moved to print!) almost every day since then. It's a place where I can just get the crap out of my head, and stop the merry-go-round. It's a place where I can unload, where no one will judge me. It's a place where I can force myself to face difficult truths, to just write whatever comes and tell myself that if it's really how I feel, it doesn't matter if it's crazy, or illogical, or unfair. It's my first line of defense for accepting myself, and for nurturing myself, and for acknowledging my own feelings and thoughts. I think I'll be journaling for a long, long time to come.
3. Outreach to the people who care about you. You are not alone. No matter how alone you feel, no one is really an island, everyone has someone who loves and cares about them. Sometimes, we tell ourselves reasons that this isn't true - it's been to long, I wasn't there for them, they haven't been here for me, I don't want to be a burden - sweep all those things away. They're your friends or your family, and they love you, and they want to help. I've asked a lot of support from the people close to me, and I'm sure I'll be asking more. And, a step further - if really don't have friends or family - we live in a world with this vast internet. Find a group that shares your hobbies, and throw yourself in to it. You'll be amazed by the wonderful people you can meet, and just how much they can help you get through difficult times. I've drawn on all these sources - my friends, my family, and my internet circle, and they've all amazed me, even the friend I called who I hadn't spoken to in over a year, even the people I contacted by e-mail, and especially the people in my online "family," who have been my last resort time and time again (because I kept telling myself...I don't want to keep burdening a stranger! I don't want them to think of me as that whiny girl!) and yet who have been fabulous every time. Find a niche, and turn to them. They won't let you down.
No comments:
Post a Comment